I woke up this morning to pictures of wedding dresses. Or more accurately wedding dress sleeves. And for some reason it just clicked in my head. I don't want that. I know it's a thing that women have traditionally always looked forward to. But I don’t. I feel like I've always been ostracized for wanting a life that hadn't been seen before or at least nobody had been exposed to in my hometown or cultural upbringing. I also kind of never fit in with the over achievers that I have met. But I think that this was a purposeful manifestation in my life to keep me on the path towards my eventual goal. And that is something that I am proud of. And filled with gratitude for. (that one was for the universe. :). )
It's funny how I've never really considered marriage to be a viable outcome for my life. I look around and I see all of these couples who are transitioning into having a family and children. But that's the thing I've never wanted that for myself. I think maybe a small part of me wanted that in an effort to assimilate and relate to the people around me while I was growing up. To normalize the life that I saw being offered to me. And there's nothing wrong with that kind of life. I am a very family-oriented person and I always come back to my relatives in some way. But they haven't always had the healthiest of relationships. They also haven't had the greatest rapport with me as I developed into my more mature adult self.
I've always wanted something that wasn’t, to quote a song "the life basic". And it's true: I haven't had that mentality and I haven't had the same life path or journey. I've always felt this innate connection with the life that dwells in the nature that surrounds me when I walk outside. I've always wanted that peaceful, meditative stand with everything that exists. It's also funny how the gratitude mantras that I repeat in the morning mention this. And it's true.
I learn a little bit about myself every day and realize where, as I have been dwelling in my childhood home for the past three months as a result of the pandemic, I'm thankful for the ability to observe all of the character traits and mannerisms that I have adopted from simply being around the family members that I grew up around. I see how I have always forged a path that wasn't necessarily linear and absolutely straightforward in its approach to assimilate. And also thankful for the opportunities that I have had as a person who rejects normalcy.
My relationships haven't necessarily been the most “normal”. I want a life that no one has seen before. And that frankly is perfectly OK with me.
Comments